Males I meet frequently use a common metaphor to describe their pain: they describe a room, or a basement, where they store their sadness, anger, shame, embarrassment, and disappointment. It is a forbidden place where no one is allowed, including themselves.

In the ten years I have spent in the field of psychology, I have noticed that many males – boys and men – are looking for a positive, thoughtful man with whom they can talk. I believe that the field of psychology can offer a special kind of help. Male therapists offer the opportunity for support and guidance in the lives of confused boys looking for a north star amidst a sea of conflicting messages and sunken relationships. For men, therapy can offer a safe, private space to help address the emotional wounds accumulated from years of silence.

It’s near-impossible for some men to put words to their pain, thus it remains mysterious, and difficult to communicate to others and themselves. Speaking about his positive experience with therapy, actor Brad Pitt said in an interview with GQ: “I come from a place where, you know, it’s strength if we get a bruise or cut or ailment [and] we don’t discuss it, we just deal with it. We just go on. The downside of that is it’s the same with our emotion[s].” And yet, the emotional wounds don’t often heal on their own – they are stored. The language men need to articulate and address their pain can be so ineffective that men turn to other means to “deal with it.”

The methods men use to keep that emotional basement locked are sometimes easy to observe. They can take the forms of physical aggression, a preoccupation with power and domination, substance abuse, over-performance at work, and a seeming obsession with their own image. For other men, their burdens are not as noticeable. I have witnessed “stand-up guys” communicate an internal reality where years of unaddressed pain cultivated into feelings of silent suffering, isolation, and feeling emotionally “cut off” from themselves and others. Furthermore, many of their relationships have worsened as a result. All of these men have something in common: the emotions they kept caged-in have influenced their lives beyond what they expected.

Recently a young client asked me why he can’t just live his life without confronting these issues. He wanted to just “be a man” and not think about all the hurt and pain, sadness, anger, fear, and shame. This might be a fundamental question you ask yourself.

I encourage men reading this to consider the paths they could take in their journey of life. How many of these paths lead to further isolation and pain? Which will lead to a better life and make you a better man? And if the discomfort and vulnerability of seeking help for your own sake doesn’t sway you, will you do it for those you love? Will you do it for the people who desperately need you to be fully present, fully healthy, and no longer burdened by the mental and emotional wounds inflicted by our journey as men?

Therapy is specially equipped to address the unique challenges that many males face. Not only are therapists trained to provide language to help a person articulate buried emotions, they are also able to provide healthy tools to manage emotional

suffering. Additionally, psychotherapy is a scientifically effective method to address a variety of mental health issues including depression and anxiety. The male clients I’ve worked with value the privacy and confidentiality of these conversations, knowing that therapy is a place where they can work through this process completely one-on-one. Lastly, for the boys and men looking for male role models, therapy with a male counselor offers the opportunity for them to have a helpful, stable figure in their lives.

Each person’s struggles are not the same, and certainly a man’s relationship with masculinity is unique to him. Culture, race, life experience, socioeconomic factors, spoken languages, gender status, sexual orientation, and many other factors all have nuanced impacts on how masculinity is experienced. At times, men may find it burdensome to find a therapist who both understands their experience and who provides effective treatment for what they are facing. Here are some concrete steps that could help:

• Look online and you will find many different websites (such as Psychology Today and American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator) with listings of therapists; you can search specifically for demographics, qualifications, specializations, and insurances covered.

• Ask your primary care physician if they know of any therapists who have experience with the issues you face and ask if they can make a referral.

• Call your health insurance and ask about the mental health workers in your area; insurance companies often have lists of therapists and can make a referral.

I was a 10-year-old kid when I found the counselor that changed my life. His name was David, and he became the most steady, consistent male figure I had during my formative years. I was raised by a single mother; my father was largely absent when I was a child and left entirely when I was 10 years old. I didn’t know then how much the shards of shrapnel that my father’s absence had lodged in my mindset, and how much having David present in my life would become essential to healing.

Learning to trust him was one of the most difficult tasks I’ve encountered. Nevertheless, I had a feeling that I needed help, and that receiving it would make my life better. You might have had the same desire for support at some point. Maybe someone recommended that you find it.

To the men reading this: Help is out there, waiting for you to reach out. I understand that it might be difficult to admit needing it, and maybe even harder to shed the emotional armor built from years of pain. Know that one of the strongest acts we can perform as men is to find support, and one of the bravest achievements is to become vulnerable enough to accept it.

Our Journey as Men, and the Benefits of Therapy

Dr. Alex MacNeil, PsyD

3/20/2022